it always starts with an out of the blue gesture

which overtime develops into an annoyance

and when it continues

it presses on into your life

and without realisation

you get used to having it in your life

sometimes even feeling happy about having it in your life

it then brings about expectation

when it becomes something that's supposed to happen

causing one to be susceptible to disappointments when it doesn't

yearning for more more and more.

that's when you get dependant on it.

it's like a drug.

u don't get hooked the first few tries

but as u go on with your consumption

it becomes an addiction,

something you can't live without.

victimised by habit.

you.

on the way to my car,
i couldn't help but notice this boy at the corner of my eye
he was just sitting there
in the badly ventilated carpark
staring so intently at the box he was holding
letting his imagination run wild as he started picturing all the things he could do with it when he got home.
unknowingly curving his lips as he did so.
the joy a new toy brings.

made me wonder where the imagination i once had went to
when i would just do the same thing the boy did.
or when i would just buy this huge barbie playset i always wanted with the amount of money i diligently saved
wrap it up
and gave myself for christmas.
the sight of the pretty wrapped up box under the christmas tree
was enough to make my day everytime i walked pass the brightly lit tree which was almost the same height as me.
the anticipation
the hope
the beautiful pictures i painted in my thoughts colored my world.

red blue yellow green.
the basic colors that used to color my world
filled it up and made everything seem so magical,so interesting and exciting
just like a seed
everything grows up
with age comes complications
just like Adam who took a bite out of the apple
knowing more does make your life more beautiful
but it makes you thirst and desire for more too.

the simple basic colors cant satisfy anymore
violet cyan mustard khaki..
the need to seek for more different shades of colors
the hope to paint a more beautiful picture
the existence of practicallity
just covered the vibrant cheerful colors that once dominated the painting.

yes,we are all victims of reality.
limited by it because of the fear of failure.
that's when our imaginations becomes vestigal and draws away from us
cause we simply refuse to explore the impossible
thinking that maturity is being grounded to reality.
when in actual fact,
that's plain stupidity.

the world is full of magical things waiting for our wits to grow stronger.


i need to retrieve my long lost imagination.

the air is always fresher at the top
the view nicer
the feel of having everything under your feet.

it's also easier to fall when you're at the top.
but it definitely beats being at the bottom...

where you cant fall at all.

the instant happiness

the feeling of being watched over

the desire to love and be loved

the hope that it will last forever

just seemed so surreal...

and transient.

made a decision

stuck to it

and missed fellowship today

yes

that's a big breakthrough

cause that means i have LOTS of energy to spare.

resulting in me walking across the hallway back and forth while i was reading my notes

cause i just cant seem to sit down

it made me feel so uncomfortable the moment i rested my butt on the cold bench.

either that or the subway boy put steroids in my sandwich.

oh well...

i thought i was pretty ok

so far so good.

until i spoke to a certain someone

who asked how i was

and came to realisation that

at the rate i'm working

i'll probably fall into a deep depression

give up on everything

perish and die.

and history will repeat itself like a broken record.

cause there's really a LOT to be done.

oh man...

yes the panic is setting in.

oh well

no matter how bad a state im in

im still not as bad as job

and i hope that mindset stays with me for the next month.

i really need to start working my butt off...

it's only 43 days...

just forty three days.

=/