♥ 11:59 PM

“Love is somewhat unknown no matter how many definition you say about it. It remains to be unknown. Love may be happiness or it may be sadness; love might be the perfect gift or the worst thing in this world. But I guess love is what you say it is. But love is unknown. Like where we’ll be after life”
— Nadine Rendon


though christmas is almost here,
two weeks in exact..i'm not really feeling the festivity.
and i really start to question why.

looking back,christmas was always one of the seasons i look forward to most.
it was a season of rewarding, a season of celebration.
i used to buy a huge present for myself with my savings,
wrap it up and put it under the tree which was probably the height of my piano.
the adrenaline rush never failed me as i walked past the presents every now and then,
totally in anticipation for christmas,so that i would be able to open the presents...even though i knew what was wrapped.
the joy wasn't in getting the present,but it was in the satisfaction of being rewarded,
that after such a long and hectic year,
i've got my well deserved reward and that was enough to give me the drive for another year of fighting,knowing that at the end of it, i will get my well deserved break.
that's why being left to hang drives me really crazy at times,
i like knowing that all i'm gonna do is going to yield something,
to really do things for a purpose.

growing up,however, was a page starter.
it was a totally different thing.
given liberty in our own finances as well as our capability to earn.
we could easily attain what we want in the shortest time when it comes to the affordable.
a thirty dollar barbie doll set doesn't seem like a mirage or a dream mansion like it did back then.
when it came to presents,
the excitement didn't seem to be there anymore.
surprise excitements still exist,but they never last long do they?
in fact,when presents were mentioned,we don't really know what we want,
cause what we want we would most probably have bought it ourselves already.
anything we desire and we dont have,
is probably cause its not within our reach pricewise at the moment,
and asking for it as a christmas present from a loved one might just seem ludicrous.

this year is no surprise,
i dont really have a wish list that's "buyable".
in fact,they can only be bought with prayer.

looking around,i really thank you for the gifts you've been blessing me with.
gifts that only you can give,
the gifts that cannot be bought,except through prayer.

thank you for....

one whom i can talk to about anything under the sun,a friendship that transcended through the many trials and tribulations,where telepathy became a language,and growth became expotential both spiritually and emotionally,though i always doubt her availability,still i thank you for giving me a chance to love,to really care about one,to feel another person's burden.

one whom i can confide in in all situations,who is always watching over me,giving me good advise,reprimanding me when i need it,convincing me to change when i'm wrong,one that i'm willing to follow with all my heart,the reason why i am where i am,one where a moment of judgement transformed into an unbreakable friendship.

one who is there for me most of the time,who supports me with all that he can,my number one fan,one that's always protective over me and looking after me,a "first impression nuisance" that is still a nuisance,just a nuisance i cant live without,the reason why i am where i am,the one i cant seem to let go,the one who taught me the power of being judgemental as well as its detrimental effects,a disaster i embrace.

one who shares my views,who's always game when it came to my escapades and explorations,one who i share lots of fun times with,where the weird bonded us even stronger,the spark that led me to where i am now,an inspiration to my creativity,a primitive reptile i hold tightly to.

one who i did not really agree to at first,who gave me advices in the most tactless,direct but effective manner possible,someone im certain i can count on to give his all,one that certainly brought much joy in my life for just being him,a natural source of entertainment,a listening ear and one that im close to in more than one way.

one who has pressed in much and come a long way,where storms were braved through,one that really cares and looks after me,tending to my every needs,needless to say the incessant crap,someone i could talk to about anything under the moon,stars,rainbow..get my drift.one that plays with me,surprises me and makes me smile when i least feel like it.one that i'm sure i can count on,one that makes the little things matter.a beautiful accident.

one who's always there for me, supporting me in all that i do,helping me with all that he can,dropping cheesy remarks every now and then never failing to bring a smile across my face.one who encourages,and showed me what sincerity really is.the sweetest i've ever known.

one whom i can count on,who encourages and motivates so much,it makes me feel like i've overcomed my obstacle instantly,one who led me to the light,opened up the doors and brought me into a whole new world,a bro i could never imagine without.

one who always brightens up my day,pisses me off at times but selflessly becomes my punchbag at the best of times.yes a Godsend punchbag,my dear which i refuse to acknowledge without shame.

one who guides me,advises me,one that i've learnt a great deal from in all aspects.

one who inspires me,who never fails to wow me with his revelations and the way he carries himself,a role model.

one who's there to play with me,to listen to me,to help me in my ministry,a waterbag,a sweet companion.

four who's always there for me,whom i can always pick up from where we stopped despite not meeting up for a long time,four whom i hold close to with all my heart,one of the joys of my life,the reason behind my laughters and smiles.

two whom i can count on,that has followed me a long way and has helped me in many ways,the reason why i could handle so many things and strike a balance,my left and right hand.

fifteen whom i can count on for a good time,for the company when i need it,to have fun with.thank you for giving me the opportunity to love with no strings attached,to care so much,to mould and change lives.

lastly,
one who's the reason for everyone around me,the reason behind the blessings,the creator of my purpose,the one that i trust with all my heart in all my situations,the sole reason why i am here,doing what i am doing.

i guess i got my christmas gifts afterall.
thank you my dear One.




♥ 4:11 AM

“Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.”
— Edgar Allan Poe


many would say having more is a blessing,
having more is a sign that you're favoured by God,
having more means more.
but tarry a little longer and you'll realise that sometimes having more makes feeling blessed more difficult.
the bar that you once had is raised,making it harder to fulfill.
having more also means a greater fear of losing what you have.
having more makes what seemed like more in the past seem little and when you occasionally end up with that initial amount,you actually feel like you had less,the irony.

having more makes you want more.
how dangerous and tantalizing having more can be.

what happens when nothing's ever enough anymore?

still i thank you for everything you've given me.
be it good or bad,
i know you mean well.
i'll count my blessings.

haven't been updating much..
here's why.






















♥ 2:44 AM

"At some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone. Walk away. It’s not like you’re giving up, and it’s not like you shouldn’t try. It’s just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."




girls' camp was aweeeesome.
will fill the entry with more words when i'm back to earth.
haha.
♥ 2:07 AM

“You never know the biggest day of your life is going to be the biggest. The days you think are going to be big ones, they’re never as big as you make them out to be in your head. It’s the regular days, the ones that start out normal, those are the days that end up being the biggest.”


my mind's been wondering around these days,
there's no start,no end, no specific direction its heading.
i do adore times like these,
times with no pressure,
times where i'm free to do what i want to do.

it's all just a green screen,
yes a compact green screen which can be kept whenever the situation arises or when i'm forced by circumstances.
sometimes i do wish that everything on the green screen could be real,
but then again there would be no space for more impossibilities if so.

ive been put on hold,
and all i can do is just wait,
wait for the one on the other end of the line to pick up,
or accidentedly press the 'call' button.
tempted i am to just put down the phone and dial again,
at least hearing a ring was better than the constant monotonous tone that resembles a zero heartbeat.

is time now an epitome of scarcity or abundance?
is there still a need to rush?
♥ 1:44 AM