“…I have this strange feeling that I’m not myself anymore. It’s hard to put into words, but I guess it’s like I was fast asleep, and someone came, disassembled me, and hurriedly put me back together again. That sort of feeling.”
— Haruki Murakami


yes i know it's 4am now,
but somehow i like the peace and serenity at 4am.

been on a hiatus not cause i was busy,
i was just occupied and somehow a pen and paper seemed easier to pen down my thoughts rather than the hassle to turn on my computer and all just to record it.
what ive been occupying myself with besides just staring into space,i'll probably show it next post.
so i finally found the need to blog..again.

it's finally august,
and i woke up feeling like a wreck this afternoon.
might be the dream that i had, but it didn't feel like the case.
unease.
that was the feeling.
still i thank God for filling me up and giving me the peace that i need after the session today.
yes we all need to know how to use grace to live an extraordinary life and all.
but i guess what tonight's session did for me was probably what ive been praying for all along.
i probably couldnt see it right here right now,
but i could see it happening.
renewal.
the glimmer of hope that i have been seeking the past months,
the strength to stand up,
the willingness to be involved again,
the determination to set things right.
the hunger for You.

you see, many of us wants things to be alright.
we lift it onto God in our prayers but wallow ourselves in self pity at the same time,
reluctant to do anything to change our situation,
basically just clinging onto God and expecting God to just make things happen, make things right.
then when things start to show a little hope,
you continue to expect God to make things work when all along what we should be doing is not to wait for the change but to BE the change.

i have to admit i have been praying for a renewal in all aspects of my life,
but all my hopes seem short fused.
and when i thought i was at the lowest of the lowest,
life just shows me that yes, it can get even lower than this.
never underestimate the depths of the earth.
the thing is, God can lift us up,but we need to do the work ourselves to get ourselves OUT of the depths of the earth.
or else there's only so much God can do if we don't make full use of what he has given us.

this few months was a challenge,
but i'm glad i survived despite the odds.
cant believe that it took me months to realise that renewal must first come from the heart for it to happen in every aspect of your life.
putting God first isn't easy cause every choice to put God first involves a sacrifice.
and it just gets harder and harder each time.
cause u realise you've done sacrificing all that's less important and what's left to sacrifice are things that you hold close to your heart.

things are finally taking a turn now,
and this time i am gonna be the change.

get going justine get going.
♥ 4:45 AM