"Charlie, don't you get it? I can't feel that. It's sweet and everything, but it's like you're not even there sometimes.It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things.


..and i thought about Sam telling me to do things.To be really there. And i just thought how great it was to have friends and a family."
-The Perks of being a wallflower.


so i just finished the book awhile ago,
and yes i'm experiencing withdrawals.
would love to write a review on the book,
but i guess it would take me the whole night.

it was definitely a joy read,
reading it was like going through a rainy weather and getting continuously struck by lightning.
i know it's a little weird to use such an analogy,
but it did set me thinking about this and that.
the final stroke really set me on fire,
i guess they really do save the best for last.

i always believed that presence was much better than phonecalls,texts,tweets,wallposts whatnots.
that the physical presence just speaks so much more than all the rest.
that's why i always made an effort to really be within the visibility range of my closed ones and my little ones.
yes,it is pretty taxing and i often get chided for it.
but like they always say,
"actions speaks louder than words",
we are visual beings afterall.
though we're all bounded by the tragic existence of time,
and the stringent fact that we all have only 24 hours a day,
what really matters is to be there for your loved ones,
and not only to be there but to really make your presence felt,
to fulfill the purpose of being there
and to reaffirm your assurance to them that you will be there for them no matter rain or shine.
i know i said it once,but i'm going to say it again,
"oh time, how i wish i could just throw you away."

i can't say that i have successfully done it to all the people i love,
but i'm trying my best.

To be really there.
yes those simple four words you learn in primary school that doesn't even qualify for spelling.
sometimes its really the simplest thing that teaches you the greatest lesson.
♥ 1:50 AM

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
— Anatole France


pardon me for the sudden influx of posts,
it just feels like i've been dropped a gargantuan bag of thoughts and revelations
i just had to write it down somewhere before it slips my mind again.
and it's been a long time since it last occurred.

all that's happening,
is making me worry that one day,i might feel so happy with all that you've given me,
i wont be able to survive when you take it all away from me again.

it's amazing how i could just watch you take away each and everything that ive managed to achieve and feel no resentment at all.
in fact,it feels like it has all the right to be this way.
i guess what's left is what you think i might need no matter what..
and past achievements are only for reminiscing and not subjects to hold on long to.

the seeds of fruits are often scattered near their trees so that they could rely on the tree for shelter,protection and survival to a certain extent.
till they are big enough, they are usually uprooted and planted somewhere further,
so that the whole cycle of growing and protecting the young seedlings could go on with no hindrance.

i guess this is your way of uprooting,
to make everything easier for transition.
to uproot me from my place of comfort to that of a foreign land.

God just wants to move us to a place further from comfort so that we will have the opportunity to experience a different struggle for survival.
we just aren't growing as fast as we should due to the limitations of the comfort zone.
and sometimes a detachment means a new attachment.

i have no idea why this is all leading to what seems like a dead end.
though it is a new experience i have to admit.
but i'm just going to trust you in that.

ask me if all this has strengthened my faith?
pretty much,
my circumstances has.

and i guess, that's the way it's going.
catch you on the flipside.


“There’s only so much waiting a person can endure until they start thinking that maybe nothing exciting will ever happen to them. Like, EVER.”
— Waiting for you, Susane Colasanti
♥ 1:45 AM

“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go - purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything … whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
— Tina Turner


there was once a little boy who wanted a transformer toy really badly,
he constantly whined at his father to get him that.
knowing that his son really wants the toy badly,the father relented.
so they made their way down to the toy store to pick up the toy.
due to limited parking space,
the boy had to stay in the car while his dad went to get the toy.
after a little wait,
the father finally came back with a toy and a bruise on his face.
seeing that the toy in his hands wasn't the one he wanted,the little boy burst out in fury and started hitting his father,asking him why?why was the toy he wanted so badly not given to him?
the father just stood there watching his son berate him.

when the little boy finally calmed down,
his father then explained why the toy was bought instead of the one his son wanted.
he had tried the toy in the toy store and the toy was so dangerous,it punched him in his face at a touch of a button.
knowing the damage it might bring to his son,
he had to pick another toy, despite knowing how disappointed his son will be.

this was lionel's preaching test.
and since it happened THAT long ago,
i have no idea why it keeps lingering in my mind these days...
till now.

sometimes everything seems to be happening so smoothly you just become so confident that this is it,
yes, it's God's plan,it's so gonna happen,how can it not when you are so close to it?
the next thing you know,
everything feels like an oasis.
whatever happened feels like it never happened before.

sometimes timing matters,
the time you choose to do something makes a whole big difference to the end result.
somethings just require you to go with your gut feeling,
the moment you feel like it,you go ahead.
cause all it takes to see your opportunity slip by is a moment of hesitation.

however,God does not let anything happen without his permission.
just like the father in the story,
some things are beyond our reach, bound not to happen, for a reason.
that is, to protect us from greater harm.
it doesn't mean he wants us to suffer, to enjoy the cheap thrill of us having something "so near yet so far".
it's just that comparitively to seeing us get hurt and the disappointment of not having what we want,
he chose the latter.

sometimes lost opportunities are new opportunities to develop your potential even further,to take you a step higher,
sometimes all we need is to trust that the new toy is a better toy,
sometimes all we need is to trust Him.
♥ 1:05 AM

“I like nonsense — it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope… and that enables you to laugh at all of life’s realities.”
Dr Seuss


tO thE BOLiaO PeePz,
tHouGh i'M annOyEd everyTiMe you GuYs briNg it Up,
i StiLl LoVe You All DEeep deEp...
JuST neeD to Dig dEeper tO fiNd the LovE.hAhAzZxXzz.


♥ 12:14 AM

"You know that feeling? That feeling when you just want the right thing to fall into the right place, not only because it's right, but because it will mean that such a thing is still possible? I want to believe that."-Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist


no,im not having any selfish thoughts.
i just feel that some things require a great deal of patience.
and the lack of it will probably result in a wrong decision.
if you ask me, it's one unwise thing to do.
then again sometimes we just get so blown off we just grab onto any floating wood that comes by,
hoping that it will make us feel better.
but at the end of the day,
it doesn't, does it?

the hunger for love doesn't give one the right to settle for second best.
love is hard.
and you only get true love the hard way...

that's why not many qualify to enjoy it.
♥ 12:47 PM

♥ 1:56 AM

my dear S90,
what would i do without you?


“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”
— Eckhart Tolle


ever been somewhere or seen something and you just cant help but want to share it?
it's like you've suddenly been handed a view so great your eyes cant contain
and you just wished someone was there to share the joy,
to see what you see.

i just did.

"running out of time"
"i wish i had more time"
"take ownership of your time"
everytime i hear these words,
i just wonder.how can you say you have ownership of time when you cant even stop it from slipping away?

time is just a measurement,a gauge for things to happen.
whether or not there's such a thing as time,
things will still happen.
i like to feel like im living in a space devoid of time,
that way i could actually sit down and enjoy the moments i want to,
instead of feeling the rush for the next big thing or the urgency to move.
a timeless world would be great cause then there will be no boundaries,no limits.
you get to prolong whatever moments you want to
and get through the tormenting moments in the shortest possible time.

'timelessness' makes it harder to remember and harder to forget when you remember.
♥ 1:38 AM

“People always think that happiness is a faraway thing,” thought Francie, “something complicated and hard to get. Yet, what little things can make it up; a place of shelter when it rains - a cup of strong hot coffee when you’re blue; for a man, a cigarette for contentment; a book to read when you’re alone - just to be with someone you love. Those things make happiness.”
— Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

A regulatory gene is a gene which controls the expression of one or more gene.

You are like my regulatory gene,

for a moment i thought mine mutated and refused to work anymore,

but im glad its finally back in action,activating the correct genes and shutting the wrong ones.

once again,You did your magic.

there's no such thing as permanent bad times,
neither is there such thing as perpetual good times.
there's always a balance needed.
bad things happen to make the good feel really good
and good things happen, perhaps to make the bad feel really bad so after the bad we will cherish the good even more.

today was good news.
and good news sure come in small surprising packages.
i guess kinder surprise was called kinder surprise for a reason.

and so,it's back to plan A.
♥ 1:22 AM

“Sometimes it’s the fight that makes a thing worth having.”

— Richard Paul Evans

guarding your heart doesn't mean building walls.

guarding your heart doesn't mean being oblivious to everything around you.

guarding your heart doesn't mean being indifferent.

guarding your heart just means being careful with who you let in.

and when you finally decide to do so,

fight for it with all you can...no matter what happens.

frankly speaking,
the thought of tonight is driving me bonkers...
i really dont want to disappoint.




♥ 3:00 PM

“Everyone of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive. But inside our heads—at least that’s where I imagine it—there’s a little room where we store those memories. A room like the stacks in this library. And to understand the workings of our own heart we have to keep on making new reference cards. We have to dust things off every once in a while, let in fresh air, change the water in the flower vases. In other words, you’ll live forever in your own little private library.”
— Haruki Murakami




"When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse..."

"fix you" is one depressing song.
though the music is good,
i seriously dont see the purpose in the depressing lyrics.

anyhow,today was awesome.
prac,flea,53A,mugging,bestseller,tauhuay.
enough to put me on an all high.

ive come to terms that a social life is necessary in each and every one of our lives.
not that i am discriminating against the anti-social,
neither am i drawing lines or forming a elite group.
just that i came to realisation that just by the simple act of talking,
we actually discover more than we can thinking alone.
issues we've been wondering when in solitude could be answered within seconds while talking to another,
and the conversation doesn't even need to be related to the issues in question.

kinda amazing,isn't it?
♥ 3:48 AM

♥ 1:53 AM

“We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Only after we have lost everything are we free to do anything. Throw things out there and not be perfect and not have answers to anything and see if people understand.”
— Angelina Jolie


no matter how dire a situation is,
how eager i am to runaway from it all,
or to try a grass patch that's seemingly greener,
no matter how convincing i sound,
how close i am to doing whatever that might seem to make me feel better.

i always ask myself,
is it worth doing so if i might lose You in the process of it all?

then nothing else matters anymore.
nothing.
♥ 1:41 AM

just as i expected,it happened.

one good thing about your expectations coming to past is the fact that you were given the opportunity to be fully prepared for it,mentally.

then again, there was the tinge of hope that things could be different.

but i guess,this kinda stuff is usually described as "asteroidal" for a reason.

i probably still cant find the words to describe everything,

which explains the use of silence to manage it all for now...

till i find the right words.

peppered pancakes,margarine honey chicken patty,and the finale- margarine chicken mcgriddles.

yes,the tummyache came after i woke up.

still,i had an AWESOME time.
thanks for everything my best friend.:)
♥ 1:48 AM

“If you love and get hurt, love more. If you love more and hurt more, love even more. If you love even more and get hurt even more, love some more until it hurts no more..”

— William Shakespeare


ever wondered why ex-smokers never go back to smoking?
cause the thought of going through the whole process of quitting,
the pain they had to endure to abstain from it,
was enough to keep them away from it for the rest of their lives.

same here.
♥ 4:18 PM

♥ 1:34 AM

“The unconscious is the ocean of the unsayable, of what has been expelled from the land of language, removed as a result of ancient prohibitions.”
— Italo Calvino


as we grow older,we become more timid.
our thoughts and decisions become tainted by the experiences we've been through.
the doubts we have in making decisions increases expotentionally,
that's why we often find our grannys nagging and worrying too much about nothing.
the thing is, when you are that old, it's not nothing,
you've been there,done that.
Mr daredevil's long retired to sir couch potato.

yes,we often get that sudden boost of optimist-ism every now and then,
feeling like a million bucks,
that everything's possible if only someone was willing to try.
but how many of us actually go ahead and try?
just as fast as optimistism sets in,
reality does too.
and we just find it too hard to shake it off,to let the courage see the light.

impossible doesn't mean it cant be done,
it just means its not done yet.

i'm taken aback,surprised by how things have become.
in fact,for a moment i was sure about it.
but nothing is guaranteed unless it's said or written in black and white.
'drop and go' was what i'd usually do,
but this time,i'm gonna take courage on and tarry a little longer...

i'm gonna spend the last few months of 2010 living on courage.
♥ 1:12 AM

“This is a test, isn’t it? It’s like choosing out of three caskets in a fairy tale. Everyone knows the rules. You never choose the gold shiny one. Or even the quite impressive silver one. What you’re supposed to do is choose the dull little lead one, and then there’s a flash of light and it turns into a mountain of jewels.”
— Sophie Kinsella


when things beyond your imagination happens right before your eyes,
all you can do is stand in awe...regardless of the state of the situation.

i thought my world was crumbling down,
somehow or another it was just too much to absorb.
and i thought i was helpless enough,
but You knew me and "wham!"threw a double whammy with a little note : "you can handle this" attached to it.
seriously,after being in church for some time,it didn't seem like a finale at all.
and true enough,i got my grand finale today.

the highest point of the stage you are in is always the lowest point of the next stage.

a new beginning,
an unexpected turn,
a new perspective required,
new goals to achieve.
i confess,what i felt was fear.
the fear of not knowing what's ahead.
it was like a game of minesweeper.

somehow it felt like i was back at square one,
then i looked back and realised,
no.it's a new square one.

what happens when you cant see?
you hold tight.
you follow.
you trust.
♥ 3:08 AM

“I sat before the fire in the Library—and read—almost a little wildly. I wanted to drug myself with books—-drown my thoughts in a great violet sea of Oblivion.”
— Katherine Mansfield (Notebooks)


you know that feeling,
that feeling where you look right into the eyes of the person you love,
or hear his/her voice and you could just feel their disappointment go right through you
but there's nothing you could do but just to be there to listen?

i do.

and it's been a long while since i felt so hopelessly helpless.
♥ 2:20 AM

“everything that needs to happen, will happen, in the time that it takes to happen, the way it was meant to happen. you need to trust in that”


honestly,now that the week is almost over.
all i can say is thank You.

though it was one of  the most crazy,bizzare,out of the world week,
i'm glad it happened.
and i'm glad it went the way it went.
i guess being caught up with stuff left little space to think about the unnecessary,
being busy shifted my focus to what needs to be focused on.
there is really no higher ground than when you are on your knees.
for one,i'm glad we pulled through my best friend.
and i'm glad i have someone to slap some common sense into me.

looking back,i wouldn't have spent it any other way.
the fruits of labour,the seeds sown.

dear God,please let it happen.
♥ 4:19 AM

PSLE is tomorrow,
and i can see myself losing control,having the urge to wring my student's neck no matter how cute she is.

we often find ourselves in situations where nothing else matters anymore as our emotions takes the lead and swallows us up whole.
it's just you and your emotions for the moment.
nothing else crosses your mind.
and all you want to do is make it known to one who wants to listen.anyone.

you might not know why and how come you are feeling this way,
but all you need is a slight pull of the trigger for the words to come out.
yes some words may not be the right words,
however,like the discovery of a fossil,
everything comes to light when the sand is dust off.
when the wrong words are filtered off,
the truth surfaces.

of course,we don't just throw the fossils aside after cleaning it,
measures must be taken to maintain it and keep it in shape,
while we passionately continue to look for new fossil pieces.
the cycle goes on and what we get at the end of the day is a piece of the past.
the same goes for life,
we find a problem,we solve it and try to maintain the solved situation,
while uncovering another problem at the same time.
overtime,we piece them all together and we get a beautiful piece of history,
our own history.

what do you want your fossil to look like?

a friendship without a problem is never a true friendship,
progress without a problem is never a true progress,
strife without a struggle is never a genuine one.
what sets reality and imagination apart is probably the problems and imperfections.

courage doesn't roar,
roar.
give me more.
♥ 2:35 AM

"Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


despite my shrinking social life,
and the hectic days ahead.
the day ended really well.

and it's gonna get better.i'm sure.
♥ 1:10 AM

“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I’m going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”
— Elizabeth Gilbert


really wish i could,
but like the heart,the mind is one hard one to control.
and maybe when you've finally reached a point where you find it easy to control,
that's when you realised,it's not working anymore...
and that's why steroids kill.

i always took you for granted,
thinking you would always be there.
i was confident that like the other people
you were just another passerby.
someone who would just walk away when another phase,another season in life came by.
you proved me wrong time and again,
but i always manage to convince myself that this is only temporary,that i would be right about it the next time round.
still,i was wrong.
till i finally realised how tiring it is to always do the chasing,
the strength needed to muster to give in,
the difficulty in overcoming the urge to give up,to go the easy way,
cause no matter how much it hurts,the pain will eventually wear off.
but somehow or another, the thought just seems so absurd,
i guess the more i try to convince myself it doesn't matter,
the effort to do so just proves otherwise.

i'm sorry for not being there for you,
for all the time lost my dear friend.

much as i hate to admit it,
you've unknowingly become a part of my life...


and i wish you knew all this.
♥ 2:29 AM

amazing.
♥ 2:13 AM

“He sailed through the world guided only by the dim lights of impulse and habit, confident that his course would throw up no obstacles so large that they could not be plowed over with sheer force of momentum.”
— Donna Tartt, The Secret History


i refuse to feel this way,
not because i dont care,
not because it didn't matter.
but time now is too precious to be used for sulking and drowning in sorrow.

sometimes i just dont get it,
so i try my best to refrain myself from judging.
convincing myself to the extent of absurdity so that at least i have something to believe,something to still trust in.
but when the cracks catches up,a broken vase will still eventually crumble,no matter how much you try to mend it.
and now i cant believe my hope and anticipation's taking a turn.
a real surprising turn...


i actually cant wait for the day to come.
♥ 1:48 AM

“He is not heroic, he is aware that modern life is full of nondescript melancholy, of discomfort, of queer relationships which beget emotions that are half-ludicrous and yet painful and that an inconclusive ending for all these impulses is much more usual than anything extreme.”
— Virgina Woolf, on the short stories of Anton Chekhov


i always wondered why things are the way it is now,
and i cant really make out how can anyone in the right mind let things which happened happen in the first place.

some things might seem like it happened for this reason and it happened for that reason,
but dig a little deeper and you realised that what you thought the purpose was wasn't the purpose at all,
in fact the motive behind it all was greater than you could imagine.
and the only way you could ever have figured it out was when He told you.

impulsiveness was something i could never get rid of,
i never really bothered to tone down the first spark which lit up of nowhere,
in fact i pretty much like to let it burn and see what it does,whether or not it burns the whole island down.
so i guess the best way to learn how to put out a fire as soon as possible,
was probably to go through the fire myself and feel what it's like to burn.

nothing is ever easy,
people might do things to hurt you,
not cause they want to but cause they dont want to hurt you even more.
being in different shoes really do make a difference,
what might seem like a mountain to you,
might just be the tip of an iceberg to someone else.

when you're hurt by a loved one,trust that he/she tried their best to keep it minimal.
cause life is full of things we aren't supposed to understand.
♥ 2:41 AM