It's funny how God can convince you to do something with your own perception and still ensure you do it His way at the same time.

It's like trying to manipulate a guy into doing something by making him think that the idea was his.

only in this case, you realise your idea was wrong and there was something bigger in store for you and before you know it, you are already halfway there whether you like it or not.

Academics aside, I used to think that i was called here to save souls, to spread the church culture i experienced back at home to this foreign land.

Visiting churches the first few months and finding one i can call my own was tough, but looking at the dynamics of the churches here, i thought i was right - that the reason why i was sent here was to minister to others, to experience a different type of growth through ministry.

but i guess i was terribly wrong.

For these 15 months..nothing went the way i planned it, but everything went in the way He planned it and everything went wrong.

It was like being shipwrecked, trusting in the Lord that He will send a cruise over to take you to places you never been before, enjoying yourself with all the great facilities and comfort of the cruise on the way to wherever He had planned for you.

But no, a day passed and all you got was a wooden plank.. and another one the next day.. and another one the next day.

You hold on to them, but your eyes is still looking out for that one cruise that you thought God will bring to you.

Days and months pass, and all you got was a bunch of planks. You managed to make them into big floats like Robinson Crusoe, but each time a monsoon, or a storm comes, your boat goes..and its back to picking up the pieces and building another safety raft.

Overtime, you start to blame everyone around you. Blaming people for not looking for you, blaming people for not coming after you, blaming the storm, blaming God and ultimately, blaming yourself for your plight. You start to doubt your faith, that maybe you heard wrong and everything was your own idea, not God's and all that has befallen you was a punishment. You start to feel abandoned and self pity was an indulgence. You start hating the need to build rafts, to fight for your own survival every single day, you start hating. everything.

Till one fine day,you stare at the same horizon you've been staring for the past few months and instead of a straight line, you see a shadow, a bulge,one that resembles an island...And with all that's left in you, you scurry over, full of anticipation, full of hope. The same storms came at you, but you kept moving, eyes fixated on the prize.

And as you set foot on solid ground for the first time in months, all that fills your heart was nothing words could do justice to. And as you stare at the 'raft' that brought you here, the 'raft' which looks totally different from the first one that you ever made, that warm fuzzy feeling in your heart, was thankfulness and gratitude. And for the first time in a long while, you understand Him.

I cant say i am on my 'promised land'. Hearing all the breakthoughs from my friends did make me pretty envious and the number of 'why-s' i asked God was enough to fill the deepest seas. I struggled, i doubted, i hated, i whined, i weeped, only to realise the breakthrough i was intended for this season was in myself. I have to admit it was like karma, where all my advices to people, my beliefs were put to the test and humility was one of the answers i had to dig deep for.

I used to spend my time waiting,

waiting to see who cares enough to come and ask how i was doing,

waiting to receive impartations,

holding back with the mentality that i have ran out of things to give especially when i am not receiving,

treating every friendship i had as an investment and evaluating whether the investment was worth my time in the future with every little thing they do,

waiting and planning things to do in my head to show my displeasure,

and if things dont happen the way i want it, 

i spend my time sulking and waiting again, hoping that things will just go the right way somehow or in some cases, go back to what it was.

i just waited...like waiting for money to drop from the sky..

and we all know nothing good ever comes out of it.

if you want someone in your life, 

make it happen.

work doubly hard when you arent in the same part of the world,

work at it so hard that your presence could be felt in your absence...

because being forgotten is a choice.

The difference between darkness and a lights out party is this- one makes you fight with all your might to get out of it and the other makes you want to stay as long as you want in it. It's not God's intention to withold the people who loves you from you, but He knows thats the only way to make you grow. Some battles can only be won if you fight it alone.

With all that has happened this past few months, i am thankful to have braved through it all, to finally come to an understanding that the storms that were thrown at me, was not to punish me for making a wrong decision, but to make me a better builder because only the strongest ships make it to the shore.

Thank You, for believing in me.